Wise (or not....) Thoughts For The Day

[dirt dame 561]

[SnowAviation 0]

I hate being Bi-Polar.

It's Awesome!

[dirt dame 561]

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Red Rock, Minnesota. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Minnesotan. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[dirt dame 561]

Find the kitty in the junk pile.

[dirt dame 561]

Time to clean out the book shelves....

[RogerTOWM 0]

My Daughter's Decision:

My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my

allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the

window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please

take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell

my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the

house. Then disown me and never talk to me again.. And don’t forget to write

me out of your will and leave my share to my brother."

Well, she didn't put it quite like that.. she actually said...

"Dad, I have decided to work for Obama's reelection campaign."

[dirt dame 561]

Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'' ''Yes, What can I do for you?'' '' I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'' ''Thank you very much for the call, sir.'' The next day, the Sheriff...'s Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood. but find no marijuana. They sneered at Virgil and leave. Shortly ,after the phone rings at Virgil's house. ''Hey, Virgil, This here's Floyd.... Did the Sheriff come?'' ''Yeah!'' '' Did they chop your firewood for the winter?'' ''Yep!'' ''Happy Birthday, buddy!'' Rednecks know how to git-R-don

[Kris 0]

Excellent!

[dirt dame 561]

Somebody is always coming up with clever ideas that use natural techniques for the effects.

Harvest moon?

[tsr 0]

Confession (no offense to Catholics intended)

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She put her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball..."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My Dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy: "$750"

Man: "Sold."

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove; let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't. I sold my baseball and my glove." The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$1,000." The Dad says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that! That is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church .. to confession."

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door...

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that ---- again; you're in MY closet now."

[dirt dame 561]

Be glad for modern technology. Vintage is fun....unless it's vintage GoPro!

[dirt dame 561]

Sounds like a delicious place to be safe.

[simicrintz 177]

Probably not the most PC billboard, but good!!

[dirt dame 561]

[KTMrad 513]

That's a good one !

[Erick 0]

I could use a normal Pabst beer about now...

[dirt dame 561]

After 40 years of marriage...

After being married for 40 years, a man took a careful look at his wife one day and said,

"Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV,

but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $800,000.00 home, a $55,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen 55" TV,

but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

Now, his wife is a very reasonable woman. She told him to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make

sure that he would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car,

sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

[hoss314 0]

Dear Abby,

>

> My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge

> credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them

> off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the

> minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can

> hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and

> abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us.

> The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of

> expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten

> religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with

> people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with

> Muslims. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone

> can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's

> just so horribly creepy! Can you help?

>

> Signed,

> Lost

>

> Dear Lost,

>

> Stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for

> free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you.

> You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck

> with the idiot for one more year!

>

> Signed,

>

> Abby

[vandrz400 0]

Where does this ---- come from, so great

[dirt dame 561]

Okay, this one is actually not a joke.

A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that 1,100 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

Three minutes went by, and a middle aged man noticed there was musician playing. He slowed his pace, and stopped for a few seconds, and then hurried up to meet his schedule.

A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping, and continued to walk.

A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late for work.

The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried, but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally, the mother pushed hard, and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.

In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money, but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the most talented musicians in the world. He had just played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, on a violin worth $3.5 million dollars.

Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.

This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste, and priorities of people. The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour: Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context?

One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be:

If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world playing the best music ever written, how many other things are we missing?

[dirt dame 561]

I'm so cheap....

I'm so cheap, thrift store employees know me on a first name basis

I'm so cheap, I consume my Ramen noodles dry

I'm so cheap, I won't even pay attention

I'm so cheap, I separate my 2 ply toilet paper to make 2 rolls

I'm so cheap, I drill holes in pennies and used them as washers rather than paying .03 each for them

I'm so cheap, I reuse bath water until it has completely evaporated

I'm so cheap, I water my lawns and garden at night, using the neighbor's water

I'm so cheap, I recycle spam mail as toilet paper

I'm so cheap, when I go to KFC, I lick other people's fingers

I'm so cheap, instead of fixing my leaky shower, I place a small bucket under it and use the water to flush the toilet

I'm so cheap, I eat a bowl of rice while smelling what the neighbors are having for dinner

I'm so cheap, when someone rings the doorbell, I stick my head out the window and yell Ding Dong

I'm so cheap, when I got married, I collected the rice for dinner

I'm so cheap, I breed fireflies for light

I'm so cheap, I eat cereal with a fork to save milk

I'm so cheap, when I want to watch TV, I go to Best Buy

I could go on all day, but I'm too cheap

[dirt dame 561]

[dirt dame 561]

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

Oh well. maybe he was blonde.

[dirt dame 561]

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

[dirt dame 561]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife

ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.