dirt dame 561 Posted April 9, 2009 An elderly man had owned a large Southern farm for several years. He had a big pond, well landscaped, along with picnic tables, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was kidney shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was dug. One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies skinny-dip or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
husky4me 0 Posted April 10, 2009 oops! I'm a gemini, so I change my mind a lot (deleted my original response). Your thoughts of the day are really cool, keep them up!!! I recommend staying away from politics... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dirt dame 561 Posted July 18, 2009 Another good one.... A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: Rome, why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there? We're taking Continental, was the reply. We got a great rate! Continental exclaimed the hairdresser. That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome? We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste. Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump. We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope. That's rich, laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it. A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. It was wonderful, explained the woman, not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge! Well, muttered the hairdresser, that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope. Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me. Oh, really! What'd he say? He said: "Who f***ed up your hair?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dirt dame 561 Posted October 12, 2009 No comment..... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RogerTOWM 0 Posted October 12, 2009 No comment..... Oh Mimi I hope you change and put a comment on this one. It is just soooo ready for a comment! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dirt dame 561 Posted October 13, 2009 No comment..... Oh Mimi I hope you change and put a comment on this one. It is just soooo ready for a comment! P'shaw....you are just hoping that I'll save your place in line for you. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bikeslut 1 Posted October 21, 2009 Give a Man Fire, and he will be warm all day LIGHT a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life once, I was asked during an interview if the glass is half full, or half empty... well, I'm smart enough to realize what they were asking, but instead, I surprised them all... "depends if you're thirsty or drowning" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dirt dame 561 Posted February 19, 2010 Mildly amusing..... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dirt dame 561 Posted May 19, 2010 Ah, the classics never die! == The Little Red Hen CLASSIC VERSION Once upon a time there was a little red hen who lived in a big farm-yard. She had three fluffy yellow chicks. One morning as they were busily scratching about the yard, looking for something to eat, the little red hen found a grain of wheat. "Look!" she said. "See what I have found. Who will help me to plant this grain of wheat?" "Not I," said the duck. "I must go down to the pond for a swim." "Not I," said the cat. "I have some visitors coming in a few minutes." "Very well, I will then", said the little red hen, and she did. After a while some weeds appeared among the stalks of wheat. One day the little red hen asked: "Who will help me to weed this wheat?" "Not I," said the duck. "That sort of work doesn't agree with me." "Not I", said the cat. "I would not be able to tell the weeds from the wheat". "Very well, I will then", said the little red hen, and she did. After a while the wheat began to ripen: "What fine wheat we have," said the cat and the duck. "Yes, indeed, it is time to reap the wheat," said the little red hen. "Who will help me to reap this wheat?" "Not I", said the cat. "Not I", said the duck. "Very well, then I will", said the little red hen. She cut the heads off the grain very carefully and put them in a bag. Then she called to the cat and the duck and she asked, "Now, who will take this wheat to the mill to be ground into flour?" "Not I", said the duck. "Not I", said the cat. "Very well, then", said the little red hen, "I will take it myself". So the little red hen trudged off to the mill, and in a few hours she was back with a sack of fine flour. "Now, who is going to make this flour into bread?" asked the little red hen. "Not I", said the duck. "Not I", said the cat. "I will, then," said the little red hen, and she did. Soon the loaf was ready for the oven. "Now, who is going to bake this bread?" asked the little red hen. "Not I", said the cat. "Not I", said the duck. "Very well, then", said the little red hen. "I will do it". So the loaf of bread was baked and it was baked, and it was beautiful, golden and crusty. The little red hen put it on the kitchen table, and the cat and the duck came into the house and looked at it longingly. "Well now, who is going to eat this loaf of bread?" asked the little red hen. "I will", said the duck quickly. "I will", said the cat stepping close. "Oh, no, you won't", said the little red hen. "I am going to eat it myself". Then she called her little chicks together, and they ate the whole loaf of bread. Not a crumb was left for the duck and the cat. MODERN VERSION Once upon a time, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered some grains of wheat. She called her neighbors and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?" "Not I," said the cow. "Not I," said the duck. "Not I," said the pig. "Not I," said the goose. "Then I will," said the little red hen, and she did. The wheat grew tall and ripened into golden grain. "Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen. "Not I," said the duck. "Out of my classification," said the pig. "I'd lose my seniority," said the cow. "I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose. "Then I will," said the little red hen, and she did. At last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen. "That would be overtime for me," said the cow. "I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck. "I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig. "If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose. "Then I will," said the little red hen. She baked five loaves and held them up for her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No, I can eat the five loaves." "Excess profits!" cried the cow. "Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. "I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. And the pig just grunted. And they painted "unfair" picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities. When the government agent came, he said to the little red hen, "You must not be greedy." "But I earned the bread," said the little red hen. "Exactly," said the agent. "That is the wonderful free enterprise system. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide their product with the idle." And they lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful. I am grateful." But her neighbors wondered why she never again baked any more bread. == Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tsr 0 Posted August 18, 2010 ... that explains so much !!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dirt dame 561 Posted September 26, 2010 A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dirt dame 561 Posted October 29, 2010 Be sure to get out there and vote in the upcoming election. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dirt dame 561 Posted June 8, 2011 Uh oh...looks like somebody's in trouble! Found outside of a motel, one morning. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SCHWINN 0 Posted June 8, 2011 As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dirt dame 561 Posted August 2, 2011 For all the single ladies in a hurry to get married, here is a piece of Biblical advice: Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz, so while waiting on your Boaz, please do not settle for any of his lameaz relatives - Brokeaz, Poaz, Lyinaz, Cheatinaz, Dumbaz, Cheapaz, Lockedupaz, Goodfornothinaz, Lazyaz, Marriedaz, and especially Beatinyoaz. Wait on your Boaz and make sure he respects Yoaz! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dirt dame 561 Posted August 10, 2011 Dad buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "OK, I watched a DVD at my friends house!" "What DVD?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "OK, it was a porno" Dad yells "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!" Robot then slaps the dad! Mom laughs "HAHAHA! He's certainly YOUR son." Robot then slaps the mom. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dirt dame 561 Posted September 23, 2011 A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,"I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked,"Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
