Blues Guidelines

[dirt dame 561]

1. Most blues begin with: "Woke up this mornin'...."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues unless you stick something really nasty in the next line like "I got me a good woman....with the meanest face in town".

3. The blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it and then find something that sort of rhymes with the first part so it goes something like this: "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town....got teeth like Margaret Thatcher an' she weigh 500 pound".

4. The blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch....aint no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevy's, Fords, Cadillacs and broken down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs or SUVs. Most blues transportation is by Greyhound bus or southbound train. Jet aircraft and state sponsored motor pool ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major role in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the blues. In blues, adulthood means being old enough to get the electric chair for shooting a man (or woman) in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii, the Hamptons or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis and "N'awlins" are still the best places to have the blues. You can't have the blues in some place where there isn't any rain, like Palm Springs.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg while skiiing isn't the blues. Breaking your leg while it's being chomped by a big ol' alligator is.

9. You can't sing the blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot and sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the blues:

Highway

Jailhouse

Empty bed

Bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the blues:

Nordstroms

Gallery openings

Ivy league institutes

Golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless your an old person and you slept in it last night.

13. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if:

You are older than dirt

You're as blind as a bat

You shot a man (or woman) in Memphis

You can't be satisfied by no woman

No, if:

You have all your teeth

You were once blind but can see now

The man (or woman) in Memphis lived

You have a 401k or trust fund

14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods can't sing the blues. Sonny Liston could have. Poor, ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you a glass of unscented bleach, it's the blues. Other acceptable blues beverages are:

Cheap wine

Bad whiskey

White lightnin'

Muddy water

Black coffee

The following beverages are not blues material:

Perrier

Chardonnay

Snapple

Slimfast

16. If death occurs in a cheap hotel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a blues death if yoy die from being overheated during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

17. Some blues names for women:

Sadie

Big Mama

Bessie

Fat River Dumplin'

Sapphire

18. Some blues names for men:

Joe

Willie

Little Willie

Big Willie

Blind Melon (or any other perishable fruit) Jackson (or other last name)

19. People with names like Michelle, Amber, Tiffany, Debbie and Heather can't sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

20. No matter how tragic your life is, if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, period. Obviously

this means YOU. So have a happy day.

[bikeslut 1]

I played with Buddy Miles... he had a computer... jus' sayin'

But his name was Buddy, he was as big as a house, and could barely walk from the drum set to his guitar amp without breakin' out in a cough...

Oh... HE could sing the blues